Understanding attachment styles: how they shape our lives

For some people, attachment can cause a lifelong struggle in relationships, physical health, or ultimately change their destiny, and yet for others, not. Attachment styles, developed early in life, profoundly influence how we relate to others throughout our life journey. From friendships and romantic relationships to professional connections, these patterns of attachment can shape our experiences, expectations, and emotional responses. Understanding your attachment style is a powerful step towards personal growth and healthier relationships.

What are attachment styles?

Attachment styles originate from the bond formed with our primary carers during childhood. For instance, if the primary carer attachment figure is unavailable or uninterested, the feelings of anger, rejection, sadness, anxiety, and distress will characterise the infant’s response and form an insecure attachment.  Conversely, in a secure attachment, when the infant feels worthy of love and care, they have a tendency to see others as dependable and trustworthy. 

In the attachment theory, four primary styles are identified:

• Secure attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment tend to feel confident in their relationships. They value connection but maintain healthy independence. 
• Anxious attachment: People with an anxious attachment often fear abandonment. They may seek constant reassurance and feel uneasy when relationships feel uncertain. 
• Avoidant attachment: Avoidant individuals value independence to the point of detachment. They may struggle with intimacy and resist relying on others. 
• Disorganised attachment: This style is often linked to trauma. It combines both anxious and avoidant tendencies, leading to unpredictable behaviours in relationships.

How do attachment styles affect our lives?

Attachment styles shape how we: 

Form relationships: Securely attached individuals often create stable, fulfilling connections, while others may face challenges with trust or intimacy. 

Handle conflict: Anxious individuals may become overly reactive, avoidant types might withdraw, and disorganised individuals may fluctuate between these extremes. 

Self-perception: Attachment styles influence how we see ourselves, shaping our self-worth and confidence. 

Navigate stress: Attachment patterns affect how we cope with stress, influencing emotional regulation and resilience.

The role of counselling in addressing attachment styles

Counselling offers a safe and supportive environment to explore your attachment patterns and their origins. In the counselling setting, the client has an opportunity to raise awareness of their response in their current relationship and understand how that might relate to some past experience. A trained therapist may help you:

• Identify your attachment style: Gain clarity on your patterns and how they impact your life. 
• Heal past wounds: Work through childhood experiences that shaped your attachment style. 
• Develop healthy relationships: Learn skills to build trust, improve communication, and create stronger connections.

Key takeaways:

• Our attachment style isn’t fixed; it can evolve with self-awareness.
• Therapy provides tools to break unhelpful patterns and create fulfilling relationships.
• Understanding attachment is a pathway to emotional growth and resilience.

Things to reflect on: 

• What attachment style do I most identify with? Reflecting on your patterns in relationships can help you understand your attachment style.
• How did my early relationships shape my attachment style? Consider how your experiences with carers influenced your view of trust and connection.
• How do I respond to conflict in relationships? Your reactions can offer clues about your attachment tendencies.
• Do I feel comfortable depending on others or letting others depend on me? Reflecting on this can reveal insights into your ability to form secure connections.
• What are my strengths in relationships? Identifying what you do well can boost confidence and help balance self-awareness.
• How does my attachment style affect my communication? Consider whether you express your needs clearly or struggle to share feelings.
• What kind of partners or friends do I attract? Reflect on whether these relationships reinforce or challenge your attachment style.

These questions may deepen your understanding of how attachment styles influence your relationships. Healing can start with a single step, and that step could be reaching out for support. Begin your journey of self-discovery and connection today.